Grandparents considering raising their grandkids – there is a lot to keep in mind.

I am a doctoral level, licensed psychologist with over 30 years of experience. Early in my career I worked with many families who consisted of grandparents raising their grandchildren. There were always challenges, and every family was unique. I still see people living in grandparent-led homes, and the challenges persist for these families. Often the homes are filled with love and hope. However, I get concerned when I see the grandparents having not taken the time to consider the huge challenge of parenting. To do right by the little lives who may become dependent upon someone other than their parents, please take time to do an inventory of how good of a fit it will be to raise your grandkids.

Therefore, if you are a grandparent, and it has come to your attention that your adult children appear to not be capable of raising their own kids, there are several factors you should take into consideration before you step in. These factors mainly involve your true readiness to take on parenting, again. However, make sure that you work out details with either an attorney, or represent yourself in an official capacity – in court. Planning ahead and making sure that you provide security for the grandkids is vital.

Are you ready? It depends upon:

• Is there a true need for you to take over parenting? A difference in opinion about parenting style is not enough, your grandkids need to be truly in need of someone to step in – meaning, you may be faced with your heart breaking over your grown kids’ failure to step up to parent their own kids. However, stepping in to take over is not appropriate if the issue is simply that you don’t like minor factors, such as how often your children bathe the grandkids, what they feed them, how they approach their schooling, where they live, the religion they practice, etc. Think, safety and wellbeing, not lifestyle. Quietly and respectfully address your disapproval of your kids’ choices in parenting, but be very careful about stepping in and taking over. That is a huge decision that will affect the rest of several lives.
• Are you stepping in due to a resentment you carry towards your own children? Please don’t use your grandkids as pawns to settle a score with your own kids. Always, always, always focus upon a goal of being part of the picture of your grandkids getting to adulthood equipped with skills and resources they need to be successful. They need love and support, not adults playing games with their lives.

What are your actual resources? Let’s break this down into:

• Your finances
• Your physical abilities (Including your health)
• Space in your home
• Your true interest in parenting
• Support of everyone who lives in your home

Your finances - I have seen grandparents pressured into taking in their grandkids, even if the grandparents are shaky in their access to resources – they are living on Social Security only, with debt, in a home that is falling apart, etc. In other words, they can barely take care of themselves, let alone growing, active kids who will have expensive needs, including outgrowing their clothes and shoes faster than you thought humanly possible. There may be subsidies or financial help for you parenting your grandkids, but that money may not go far enough for a growing kid. You need to know if you have the true resources to do the job. If a social worker or a family member gives you that cold, judgmental stare when you talk about your reluctance to take in the little ones, please don’t just give into guilt. You will resent those grandkids if you don’t truly want to parent them, and those kids do not deserve that.

Your physical abilities (Including your health) - Maybe you are like me, with joints that complain Every. Single. Day. Maybe you have a tremendous load of physical health problems – you can barely walk due to neuropathy, you have heart disease or cancer that saps your energy, your dialysis schedule is a heavy burden for you, etc. If you are physically frail and ill, please inventory your physical resources to chase after active kids. Even if the grandkids are older, they will need transportation, a caretaker who has the energy to supervise curfews, school schedules, sports practices, etc. If you are so frail that there is a risk you may not live much longer, think about those kids facing the loss of another parental figure. Those grandkids don’t deserve another loss. 

Space in your home - Maybe, in retirement, after you were widowed or divorced, or otherwise single, or you and your partner chose to downsize your home because it was the smart choice - you moved into a one-bedroom apartment that was cheaper and easy for you take care of – rather than that big family home you raised your kids in. Now, if you accept delivery of your grandkids in need, where are they going to sleep, play, and store their belongings? Don’t get me wrong, kids can be raised quite well in modest large city apartments, or tiny homes. However, planning and considering everyone’s needs is vitally important. That cute little boy whose toys and clothes take up a small space will grow into a teen who may dominate the bathroom, endlessly fixing his hair and polluting the environment with body spray, or that little girl who has tiny toys and tiny clothes may grow into a 4-5 sport teen whose cleats are literally everywhere, and whose kayak threatens to take over your entire living room. If you prefer your small, quiet, organized and tidy apartment, taking in your grandkids will make that small home seem claustrophobic.

Your true interest in parenting - Let’s talk honestly about a healthy attitude towards parenting. I once worked with white grandparents whose grown child had children with a person who is Native American. When the parents faltered and were unable to parent, the granddad was enthusiastic about taking in the grandkids because he loved Westerns, and had a strong interest in Native American culture. However, his interest was not truly on the kids, he had a fetish – meaning he thought it would be cool to be up-close and personal with Native American culture. I discouraged him from taking on the role of parenting his grandkids – this granddad was not focused on helping shape and guide his grandkids, and more interested in getting to go to powwows, drum circles, and sweat lodges. Again – if you feel ‘meh’ about parenting, and are instead taking on these kids for any reason other than you have a true desire to step up for these kids – walk away. Non-relative foster care is not a shameful thing, if there is truly no one in the family who can step into the role of parent. 

Support of everyone who lives in your home - If you are grandparenting with a partner, or other adults in the home – your other adult kids, maybe great grandparents, a roommate, etc., you all need to be on board with parenting these grandkids. Take honest stock of the enthusiasm and/or kind regard the other adults have towards the addition of the grandkids. You do not need a passive aggressive or sullen and resentful adult in the home – the grandkids will notice the fact that one or more of the adults does not want them there. In the worst-case scenario, you maybe exposing those kids to an adult who may act out their ill will by abusing the kids. The bottom line is this - either you insist that the unsupportive adult truly shapes up or move out, or you don’t take in the grandkids, it is as simple as that.   

• If you decide to not take in the grandkids, commit to staying in their lives, even if you are disappointed in your own inability to step up and parent them. Get over your negative feelings about the cards that life dealt you. If you are a decent and loving grandparent who does not have the resources to parent the little ones, focus on working out a grandparent role while another caring adult raises those kids. Go to counseling to work through your grief and shame. Grandkids notice who stays in their life, and who does not. You want to be one of those strong ones who can eventually answer those tough questions the grandkid has about what happened in their family.
• Finally, the joy that you may get from raising your grandkids. You have resolved your disappointment that your own kids were unable to parent their offspring. Maybe your child died, or had mental illness or substance abuse, or just simply never grew up enough to parent. You prepared with the social workers, lawyers, counselors, and the court. You made some tough choices to organize your finances, your space and your time, and you took steps to improve your health. Now you greet the littles into your home, and you get to guide them as they learn their numbers, letters, colors, and they later navigate friends, extra curriculars, dating, social media, and dreaming of a future. Your choices will hopefully help these grandkids progress towards happy, productive lives. Plenty of kids have been raised successfully by grandparents, and if you are honest and prepared, you can too.